Living in Apathy

Since Rissa was born sometimes I think I live in apathy.  I live with an even keel.  The pain and uncertainty of the arrival of her diagnosis left me isolated.  I often rejoice in her.  I love her and miss her dearly.  I have NO REGRETS about her and the life she gave me.  I cannot deny, however, how much she changed me.  How much having her converted every grain in my body.  I live with little to no expectations.  I strive for little.  I live very much in the moment.  Sometimes it is in joy.  More often than not it is in apathy.  This is not to say I don't have rich love for my husband and son.  I just cannot find my drive, my purpose.

I often wonder what's the point?  I don't understand the end game.  Although I live in the movement I don't always enjoy it.  I sit and wait for understanding cause I am not sure how to find it, and I think I am often afraid too.

Maybe Today

Maybe today I will get it together

Maybe today I will feel good and figure it out

Maybe today I will plan, I will plan for tomorrow, next week, next month or several years

Maybe today I will read and express

Maybe today I will talk more

Maybe today I will feel and enjoy the day

Maybe today I will not feel like I am in a vacuum, a vacuum that I revisit over and over

Maybe today I will learn about my mentor

Maybe today I will connect

Maybe today I will write

Maybe today I will not dread

Maybe today I will focus on the good

Maybe today I will stop wondering

Maybe today I will stop dreaming, but do

Maybe today I will accept

Maybe today I will just be me and be ok

Still a little sore

So I am sitting here having a usual day, about to eat my lunch. I am skimming through the "news" on msn.com and I come across a video that sounded cute and like such a great idea. I attached it below.

At first my heart (and eyes) swell with love and joy, because of how neat, wonderful and cute a brand new baby is. As I continued to watch this really great idea I started to get sad?? I kept glued to the screen watching the days go by. Some how subconsciously, I don't know, it became so sad I started crying. I tried to stop it, I even stopped the video, but the feelings were overwhleming. I cannot even explain why. It wasn't like words were flying through my mind or comparisons of Rissa's first year, but once I realized I had to let it out I did start to think and try to understand why such a beautiful thing would make me feel so sad.
I could almost say that I never feel sorry for us; Rissa, Rocky or myself. I don't feel worried about the future. She is healthy and strong now. In fact I just posted on a FB group page yesterday about how in so many ways that we are liberated because we don't HAVE to meet these standards...or at least we are not expected to meet them, we will meet them when the time comes.

Even as I finish writing this I think maybe it is normal? Realizing I won't be able to relive these moments with Rissa and that all we can do is move forward, that is a normal feeling. Maybe I am still a little sore from the pain of all we went thorugh? Maybe it is normal because there is just so much feeling, she is such a joy and she is progressing.

A Fathers Video

Love Seed

Night lit by sparkles
Is the display
While the soul connects
To the serenity of nature
Which gives it self freely
Without expectation
Continuously providing
With no regard to self preservation
Knowing one day we will see
We will understand that
Unconditional love is abundant in us all
Given as a gift at birth
We pull from this resource
Sometimes not realizing
The need to replenish until it is too late
Seeds are sewn daily
Subconsciously hoping to be nurtured
Often times they remain dormant
Until we begin to love ourselves
Than and only than
Can the plant have an opportunity
To flourish and bloom.

Good Night Thoughts

I speak to myself
Calm myself
My nerves and my emotions
Help me, help me
Help me understand
Help me get over
I am out of control
Bring me back to peace of mind
Center me again
Like a fly caught in a spiders web
I cannot free myself
All this moving is only making it more dangerous
Calm me
Calm my mind
Calm my heart
I will do good
I just need some help
I need some light
Help me regain faith in myself
Help me believe I am good
Happiness is what I seek
Tell me how to get there
Show me the way
Hold my hand
I could use some company today
Kiss my heart
It still cries lonely tears
Hug my spirit
Hug me tight
I feel adrift
Sing to me
Calm me

Broken Parts

The feeling of your embrace, the smell of you, the sight of you is relentless. I never thought I could give myself up so much that I would still be hanging on like this. I still see the twinkle in your eyes, those clear sky eyes. The handsome charm in your smile. The size of you surrounding me still makes my skin tingle and the air from my lungs escapes me with a sigh of absolute comfort. I still cannot believe how safe I felt with you. Nuzzling your neck, holding your face in my hands. You still have me mind, body and soul. Physically I have never reacted with anyone else the way I did with you. I have never been so turned on, or been so sickly. I have never had my heart feel so physically broken. It still scares me how close I probably was to loosing everything. I lost you, and before that I was willing to let everything else go. I knew and still know I will survive, my career, although there has been a tremendous amount invested, was not, is not who I am. It doesn't understand me. It doesn't make me feel safe and loved. It doesn't hug me and wipe away my tears when my heart is shattered to pieces on the floor. Tears still come so easily, as if it was yesterday. It is like my body was physically dependent. When I found out that you were completely out of my life, I couldn't breath. The tears and my lungs were fighting for expression. My heart stopped beating. Somewhere down the line I felt a release. And the tears were now under my control, my mind could push them away and make them wait for their turn. Slowly I feel my lungs regaining strength and purpose. They are more patient than the tears, they are the cynical side, they persist for survival. But my heart, my heart is determined and steadfast in its belief that it must hold on to you. My heart teases and provkes my tears, trying to express it self. My heart feels the scar tissue and keeps fighting back remembering the life it was given by you. It is young and naieve, like a child that fights sleep. My mind, the wiser one of the group cradles them all as a mother, realizing that it all must be expressed and yet controlled. This is life, and my mind reminds me that I once believed that there is someone for everyone and at various times in our lives. That time with you has come and gone, that I should cherish what was and be thankful for the sweetest gift that life can give. Love.

Love

It comes in many varieties. Kind of like coffee. Some is strong and addicting. Some is light and sweet. Than there is the medium in how it gets from the pot to your lips. Is it delivered like a strong Italian espresso? Or a big ole cup, American style?
Love brings vulnerability. This isn't a bad thing...only if it blinds you. It brings out the child-like inquisitiveness that we have tucked away for safe keeping. The curiosity that helps you learn. It allows you the freedom with the safety of support to break down your borders, to open the windows and let what someone else has to offer in. It provides reason and life to your spirit. Love tests your resilience, your love for your own self. It is your dreams come true, it is the worst pain you can ever feel. It is magic. There is the love you have for family, friends, pets and lovers. These all provide various levels of nutrients, and we need them all. Nothing beats the love that you must have for yourself. Without it there is nothing to give. The love you share with yourself is the source of the love you share with others. Never stop learning, never stop loving.