Living in Apathy

Since Rissa was born sometimes I think I live in apathy.  I live with an even keel.  The pain and uncertainty of the arrival of her diagnosis left me isolated.  I often rejoice in her.  I love her and miss her dearly.  I have NO REGRETS about her and the life she gave me.  I cannot deny, however, how much she changed me.  How much having her converted every grain in my body.  I live with little to no expectations.  I strive for little.  I live very much in the moment.  Sometimes it is in joy.  More often than not it is in apathy.  This is not to say I don't have rich love for my husband and son.  I just cannot find my drive, my purpose.

I often wonder what's the point?  I don't understand the end game.  Although I live in the movement I don't always enjoy it.  I sit and wait for understanding cause I am not sure how to find it, and I think I am often afraid too.