Don't judge....just listen

Feeling the self loathing and pity for myself
I've decided that I don't vent
Primarily because I do feel like
I create my own misery
My self destructive ways are only
Visibly evident when I smoke and drink
I used to use food
But fatness is I suppose a little less socially acceptable
But days like today I just feel plan depressed
Generally unhappy, lonely
Not like I feel like someone
Can make it better. It'll pass
I just hate the feeling
Writing is a way for me to share
But with the protection of distance
It is old I know
Poor Scott
I am tired of it too
It is hard to break habits
Even if it is bouts of the lows
There are things that I do that seem to make me ok
At the moment
But it isn't me
Or all of me
So it doesn't feel real
There are things
That seem to tide me over for the moment
Than I slip back
Into the rut
And feel like I am back where I started
How is it that I project this
Successful, well kempt (for the most part) person?
Is that why I get low
Cause I don't share the bad and ugly
With the good?
When the bad and ugly is so destructive and cancerous,
But what I let go and give away is the good
The something that could "cure" the cancer
I think I expose my insides here
Like this cause I cannot believe
That no one else feels like this on occasion
Why you may ask do I make this public?
Cause I am not looking for advice or pity
It is like my way of diffusing it,
Making it less concentrated
Like dust in the wind
Maybe I do it to be understood

I believe in connections
People enter our lives
At various stages in our lives
For various reasons
You can feel the strong ones
Those hit you like a ton of bricks
Knock you off your feet
Sometimes it even takes a moment to open yourself to it
And when you do you will
Be amazed with yourself for not realizing it sooner
I have fortunately been very lucky
To have had this realization many times
In my life
But distance is a bitch
Like a sunset at sea
It isn't the same as being there
A recent example is my girlfriend Roxana
We lived on the ship for over a year
And never realized
Our connection
Our love for art, words, and photography
I know part of it is my tendency
To guard
My position in the work environment
I know a lot of people
Do not have the ability to
Understand that male or female
Old or young
Green or purple
Connection and fate have no prejudice
And because perception
Can be some peoples reality
Which in turn
Can affect your quality of life
Or your standing amongst the wolves
I feel I have to watch what I do
It is a double edged sword
Trying to control fate is exhausting
Trying to minimize things is ultimately depressing