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The feelers have been out for so long. I reach, profess and scream. No reaction, the wrong reaction. Comfort no where. Timing is all wrong. Blindly I walk. Instincts guide me there, but everything else guides me somewhere else. This here is what I know. But if I don't expand, I will never know what my heart aches for. Missing out on the next level, the next step towards enlightenment. Reaction breeds ill results. Deep breaths, watchful eyes and attentive listening, I feel the destiny reverberate. It isn't a secret. I wear it proudly. But I am still missing it. I need to look in the mirror, really look at it. Realize nothing rewarding and life changing comes from the conservation and stifling of what scratches to come out.

The wound was scarred shut. The skin so tough, I was surviving. I was regaining the picture. I am what is hoped for and expected. But it isn't where my heart is. A robot, predetermined, structured and void of free will and indulgent thinking. How long can I or could I survive before falling apart...for real. How much will I invest before it is enough. I am in a box and have no idea what it looks like on the outside. Is it safe? I am to the point that it doesn't matter. The possibility of it being better is better than the wonder, than watching it slip from my grasp.

One, out of control, erradic and destructive. One so in control, void of passion. Another...with the effing finesse to pull the string like a skilled surgeon. Scalpel, light, and knowledge. Evidence of experience, concentration and understanding. A magnet. So strong, healing, and hopeful, yet destructive and rearranging. What has taken 5 years to survive and maintain, ripped and tossed in days.

Regaining momentum and composure to follow the same lonely path seems even more destructive. Knowing that there is sunlight, knowing there is another way, why make it harder? Avoiding the natural pull is insane. Explaining not needed...they will see with their own eyes. If they are even in the same universe, they will JUST know. It may even spark a fire they never knew they had. Rekindle a hope that kept them awake at night. Injustice to myself. A leader of hope. Harmony and chemistry bursting and burning, launching forward.

Although the answer isn't tomorrow, it isn't clear, it is warming up. For something to sustain the long winter months a foundation must be created...or I will end up right here, right where I am at. I have quieted the voice within me for so long that it had become a whisper. Than something comes a long and amplifies it for everyone to hear. I recognize the power and energy, people want a part of it. The warmth and strength is empowering. Someone validates its power and pushes to the front, exclaiming...don't be selfish show, teach, and share. Everyone needs to feel this tremendous explosion of genuine passion.

My lungs were bursting. My mind chasing itself in circles in my head. I sigh with the release and am relieved for this outlet.